you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
