I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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