she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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