I want to make a zoo with you.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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