Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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