Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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