mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
