First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
