I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
