last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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