We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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