Can i not drive my cunt home
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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