Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
