I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
