I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
