It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
