i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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