Your face is a jimmy john
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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