I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
