If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
