I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
