I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
