last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
