it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
