I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
