Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
