does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
