I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
