I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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