I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I need moral support for this bender
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
