I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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