yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
