you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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