Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
