Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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