i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They are going to name an STD after you.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
