some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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