I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
