Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
