Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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