Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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