she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
