You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
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Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
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You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"