I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.