remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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