I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
