Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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