The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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