Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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