Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
A bitchslap is in order.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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