I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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