I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
