They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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