I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
