Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we're making bets on your personal life
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
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