I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
