You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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