never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
