just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
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Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
What a dumb baby whore.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
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Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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