Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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