just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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