The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
