now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
