Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
