i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
