I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
