FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
