Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
