Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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