Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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