i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
